i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just blew my weed a kiss
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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