I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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