I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
