either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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