if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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