we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
