How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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