I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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