The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
