Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
