I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
