Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
