no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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