Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my shit smells like andre
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
