Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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