So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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