I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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