Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
