I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
