from now on my penis is your penis
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
