What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
