I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
