Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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