I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
