I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
