I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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