and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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