Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My feet surprised me
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
