Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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