Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
