the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
