My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
