i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
