dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
