There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
