My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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