Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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