i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
