Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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