im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
