Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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