Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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