i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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