Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
