so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
