apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
