From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
