i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
