I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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