Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
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